So, I'm 20 now. Soon I'll be 21. Then, I'll be a training pastry chef eager for success. Hopefully a little stronger. The day was silent and fine. I went about a normal routine and pretty much forgot that it was a day to commemorate until I recieved some well wishes from people I least expected. Cool.
Time for a long anticipated hiatus in a world that is defiant of us all. Yet again, I'm relooking the things and company I have. I hate trying to be sociable. I hate pretending to be corporate. But I want to be successful.
I'll not heed a conforming, but I must brace myself for this period.
I'm still going to be a top pastry chef. I'll also be vegan. I'll be a vegan pastry chef. Fuck off, guilt. Fuck off, all of you.
Today, I threw away pieces of memories dating back to when I hated the world and killed my sanity. These physical things shouldn't matter anymore, yet I was a little hesitant to dispose them. I eventually did, and smiled at the thought of how I had my first real kiss. Hahaha.
It seems like the only thing that's been on my mind recently is succeeding in anything, everything that I set and commit myself too. I so badly want to meet success quickly now that I have begun trying.
I am blessed. I've the bestest friend anyone could ever have, and we have big dreams. I couldn't ask for more.
I have turned a little more positive and enduring. That after a good decade since I became depressed as a child, I think I'm finally happy. I forgive you for creating a strong hold over me, scaring me silent and ruining my childhood. I think, I want to heal this pain.
Wet, I hope you will let your past go too. You're the best person I have. We had rough times, but nothing can ever separate us. If you're looking for love, God loves us. =)
Broken Hearts Revivng Starts, Forgotten Dreams Of Old Fifteen
I certainly enjoy having my thoughts in prose and verse which I can put into song with melody. However recently, cryptic doesn't satisfy anymore. At least not too often as like in the past, perhaps too many people around me are adopting a mysterious wording habit that I cannot help but see a different opinion with the way I used to write. Haha. I guess it was young, fun, and full of emotion which I needed to take out then.
I've got to get down to writing a proper song for us so Bry doesn't keep singing the only song I have and like.
Now, I am picking out fragments of hope I used to habour while I was young and great and very much fucked up. I'm still sorting things out at current, trying to differntiate the immature and more sensible thoughts that should remain. Looking back, I'm pretty glad that I was fortunate enough not to have had major contact with the cops, given that I was breaking the law in various little ways, some which could've gotten me charged and into more trouble than I would've expected then. God bless me. :/
That aside, I'm starting to piece together aspirations that discourage me because of their distance. Must not be moved. >:(
I want to tell stories to children; I miss being a hero: "Teacher Beat! Teacher Beat! Carry me, tell us story!"
I got to use uncle Ian's snare today, and it was great. This morning's worship was a blast. I had such a wonderful time. I enjoyed myself very much in worship and played my tiny heart out while God did the rest. It was awesome. Amen.
We might've opened new doors to a whole new musical journey tonight. We'll definitely be progressing in our skills, and probably venturing into new posibilities with Ben. And it's cool that all our names start with a 'B'. Praise God for new opportunities, regardless of music or earning money.
Bry, God's seeing us through and providing us with many things. Even though everything might seem bleak sometimes, how we ocassionally still see the forlorn shadows cast upon our lives by the past and how we often don't appreciate our exsistence, God loves us and is watching over us. And The Secret or not, I believe that there's a charge over us; the way we were brought together to go through shit, had some hard times and be earthly supports for each other the past few years.
I'm getting all stressed out about band practice tomorrow. =( Playing the drums is a joyous thing, and I'm pretty sure this pressure will help me improve. But gosh, I am quite bothered and not too confident in getting things right. I do not want to take the whole band through a difficult rehearsal. Grumble. Lord, please take my hands tomorrow. I'll do okay if not great.
The greatest challenge I might tackle now, is learning to love myself. I guess I've been pretty horrid in many ways; always without any good to love. Just filth and disregard, I feel wrong all over and inside. This is so difficult.
"...I saw him hitting himself, making red welts across his arms. On one occassion he slammed his head against the wall repeatedly, scratched his forearms until wounds formed, skin peeled and bled. He even used a little fruit knife to slash himself on his arms and legs, then smeared the blood over his bare and sore skin. This boy was an 8 year old victim of physical and emotional child abuse. Made from pent up pain, he had no respect for his body."
I couldn't respond to this information because I was so detached, yet alive.
I was out for a night ride to drop by Kelin's place to pass on peace offerings and a bit of love for her birthday. It was nice to finally see her and catch up after a long while.
Instead of heading AYE for home, I went for a long ride, wind in my ears, blowing through my face and hitting on my body. I got faster as I set my thoughts free while I assured myself that I had moved from the heart wrenching chapter. From now, regardless of the raised scars that will constantly be on my left, I am detached from the past to form memories I accept as living.
I found myself at Eu Tong Sen street, close to the familiar and recent past I embrace with gladness. There came the desire to ride past the roads and see the people I hate to admit, have become so much of a constant, that I miss. I don't miss people often. I went by the parking space and looked above the red wall into the kitchen, thinking to catch a glimpse of what I was accustomed to.
I am watching LA Ink. I want to get inked to be persistently reminded that God is love,greater than love in all other forms.
Though it gets painfully tiring, I suppose it's fine to slip up sometimes. Just as I was thinking to call on her, I recieve news that they're planning a celebration and I feel apprehensive to reciprocate. Some things are more beautiful when admired from afar.
"Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
I told bry that it's easier to have feelings for a boy than a girl. I guess it's more than just being accepted, but accepting yourself, and sometimes I wonder how emotions like these surface anyway. Bry's right about not being able to control these feelings. But I believe that I have the ability to decide if I should act upon them or not. I give in all the time because I'm terrible; I might even admit that I am comfortable being gay and having homosexual acquaintances for company. I'm fucking my brain up, I even googled "can gay people turn straight?" Haha, shoot me.
The Lord provides, so extensively and with exceeding grace. I have experienced this goodness. Yet I am still apart because of a sexuality issue that I habour, which was the precise concern that built a screen between us from the beginning. Who am I to judge my misgivings knowing that the true judge stands in omnipresent power before myself, gushing with love and grace and words, words.
Words that I can't accept. My faith is such an irony; my heart feels unfit for prayer, my words too small to speak.
The thought of making a success story occur with it's beginning this difficult, is making me afraid. It's nothing unethical, because all I have to do is meet new people and be with them like they are more than acquaintances. After all, we're all just using each other to attain our goals, isn't that the reality of such an industry? I am afraid however, because my nature is pretty incapable of behaving this way. I will definitely miss full time work at The Barnyard. Work there gave me opportunities to rediscover myself and be in touch with friendship again. I enjoyed my time there and am reluctant to put it down. Yet life holds more in the future that I look forward to as well. No doubt, I frequently think about the way I wrecked myself and messed the lives of others occasionally, and how it was to love and be loved romantically. I have a commitment now to re prioritize my ideas and rethink my feelings for girls. Eleven years which I hope would stop counting, I have been confused and at some point convinced to accept myself. Though I have made changes in the way I self inflict, indulge in drinks and smoke. Sigh. I still need a lot of prayer and a lot of God. I might be struggling but
I guess I have made myself goals today, which I seek to achieve in the days and years to come. The want for success engulfs me, however I am not in any particular rush to attain them, just yet. Nevertheless, I'm moving on from places quickly, I watch interesting events and meet people whom I feel I could love as friends that I might look back to for pleasant moments. Then again my definition of a friend is rather vague that occasionally the world's method of defining friendship affects me to a conforming. Sometimes I don't know what to hold and what to release. All I want now, is to make life possible for myself, my family and others who are important. I think I am molting.
I lost my words one day, and found them at the back of my head. I have learnt not to be doubtful about myself despite my worries. Many people don't know the secret that I know. Some know the secret I have but fail to understand it's power or apply it rightly. Here, is a world of pain.
Regret is pretty much the worst feelings to ever have in place, regardless of situation or persons involved. I figured that although I feel upset, I don't regret getting to know you, breaking through your barriers and ever loving you so deeply. It's not an easy feat to accept my flaws or love someone as unlovable as I. I admit that I display a temperament of an artist, thoughts that many will not comprehend. I believe you've had issues with my line of opinion countless times, yet were accepting. You were beautiful the manner you lived despite occasional upsets which were constructed by the way I was egoistic, I apologize. But time milds emotions greatly and priorities shift like the earth shakes. I learnt that the pleasant experiences we shared, and joyous moments between us didn't poccess the strength to overwrite the degree to which you wished you had never met me. It hurt then, and it still does sometimes. However, I know promises made don't hold detailed significance at present as compared to then, or perhaps no importance at all. I did believe in the 2 years and that we'd remain special. I am fine now. You hope for me to move on, I hope you enjoyed the way we were close and you'd be free from guilt; most substantially, not regret loving me. Life'd say I shouldn't give a fuck about what you feel, but it matters inside; the fact that I blundered once doesn't mean I'm resilient, just sensitive to the way our lives carry on and how we won't just disappear. chill-
There are three things that I want really badly right now, that I think of daily, and occasionally allow them to haunt me in my sleep. I am afraid though, that I won't be able to take it well if I fail because this means so much to me.
Yesterday, I watched 3 persons in wheelchairs at the bowling alley. They were bowling and extremely happy, talking and laughing and being oblivious to the pain in their environment.
What is it that that gives them the joy which I hunger for? It's an agonizing issue to have to think so hard yet not be equipped with the ability to control the outcomes. Yet again I know that much is within my power for this emotional game, because I've found some peace of mind. I'll learn to keep this volume of peace, perhaps even expand on it even if I have to die, even if I won't live too long.