Saturday, October 2

This is frustrating.
There's too much going on and I'm overwhelmed.
At times, I think bad thoughts.

chill-

[BMWJY - 1:24 AM ]

0 comments

Wednesday, August 11

I am the maker of my success.

But I am still contemplating if I should seek treatment. Sigh.

chill-

[BMWJY - 11:59 PM ]

0 comments

Wednesday, July 28

Think peaceful thoughts,
sing sappy love songs and
dance children dances.

chill-

[BMWJY - 12:56 AM ]

0 comments

Tuesday, July 20

So, I'm 20 now.
Soon I'll be 21. Then, I'll be a training pastry chef
eager for success. Hopefully a little stronger.
The day was silent and fine. I went about a normal routine
and pretty much forgot that it was a day to commemorate
until I recieved some well wishes from people I
least expected. Cool.

chill-

[BMWJY - 12:56 AM ]

0 comments

Monday, July 5

Time for a long anticipated hiatus in a world that is defiant of us all.
Yet again, I'm relooking the things and company I have.
I hate trying to be sociable. I hate pretending to be corporate.
But I want to be successful.

I'll not heed a conforming, but I must brace myself for this period.

I'm still going to be a top pastry chef. I'll also be vegan.
I'll be a vegan pastry chef.
Fuck off, guilt. Fuck off, all of you.

chill-

[BMWJY - 10:05 PM ]

3 comments

Thursday, July 1

I have ultimates.
But sometimes, I like to be short sighted for a bit to appreciate the
little things of the moment a little better.

I'll be the best bunny you'll ever play with!!!

chill-

[BMWJY - 1:08 AM ]

0 comments

Sunday, June 13

Like the climate you'll never know what weather you get
No denying you're the habit that I can't quit
It's only a matter of time

I need the product of your fears in the form of tears
It's the only way I can survive
It breaks my heart to see you crying baby
It's the only way I'll stay alive

chill-

[BMWJY - 2:28 AM ]

0 comments

Saturday, June 5

Hey Beautiful. And I Covered Her Eyes To Lean In.

Today, I threw away pieces of memories dating back to when
I hated the world and killed my sanity. These physical things
shouldn't matter anymore, yet I was a little hesitant to
dispose them. I eventually did, and smiled at the thought
of how I had my first real kiss. Hahaha.

chill-

[BMWJY - 8:46 PM ]

0 comments

It seems like the only thing that's been on my mind recently
is succeeding in anything, everything that I set and commit
myself too. I so badly want to meet success quickly now that I
have begun trying.

I am blessed.
I've the bestest friend anyone could ever have, and we have
big dreams. I couldn't ask for more.

I have turned a little more positive and enduring.
That after a good decade since I became depressed as a child,
I think I'm finally happy. I forgive you for creating a strong
hold over me, scaring me silent and ruining my childhood. I
think, I want to heal this pain.

Wet, I hope you will let your past go too.
You're the best person I have. We had rough times,
but nothing can ever separate us.
If you're looking for love, God loves us. =)

chill-

[BMWJY - 12:58 AM ]

0 comments

Thursday, June 3

It's amazing. God is good. O:

All the way Bry, we're going to succeed. I know we will. =)

chill-

[BMWJY - 12:58 AM ]

0 comments

Wednesday, June 2

Coming close to this little step to success.
And we ain't giving up just yet though we're left
with a day.

It's pretty exciting to be working for something
so fervently after a long time of going through
the motion. Isn't it? :D

chill-

[BMWJY - 2:36 AM ]

1 comments

Thursday, May 27

I will succeed, through obstacles.
With Christ, what more can I ask?
What more, can we ask?

chill-

[BMWJY - 11:52 PM ]

19 comments

Wednesday, May 26

Broken Hearts Revivng Starts, Forgotten Dreams Of Old Fifteen

I certainly enjoy having my thoughts in prose and verse which I can
put into song with melody. However recently, cryptic doesn't satisfy
anymore. At least not too often as like in the past, perhaps too many
people around me are adopting a mysterious wording habit that I cannot
help but see a different opinion with the way I used to write. Haha. I
guess it was young, fun, and full of emotion which I needed to take out
then.

I've got to get down to writing a proper song for us so Bry doesn't keep
singing the only song I have and like.

Now, I am picking out fragments of hope I used to habour while I was
young and great and very much fucked up. I'm still sorting things
out at current, trying to differntiate the immature and more sensible
thoughts that should remain. Looking back, I'm pretty glad that I
was fortunate enough not to have had major contact with the cops,
given that I was breaking the law in various little ways, some which
could've gotten me charged and into more trouble than I would've
expected then. God bless me. :/

That aside, I'm starting to piece together aspirations that discourage
me because of their distance. Must not be moved. >:(

I want to tell stories to children; I miss being a hero:
"Teacher Beat! Teacher Beat! Carry me, tell us story!"

Haha.

chill-

[BMWJY - 10:51 AM ]

0 comments

Monday, May 24

I got to use uncle Ian's snare today, and it was great.
This morning's worship was a blast. I had such a wonderful
time. I enjoyed myself very much in worship and played
my tiny heart out while God did the rest. It was awesome.
Amen.

We might've opened new doors to a whole new musical
journey tonight. We'll definitely be progressing in our skills,
and probably venturing into new posibilities with Ben. And
it's cool that all our names start with a 'B'. Praise God for
new opportunities, regardless of music or earning money.

Bry, God's seeing us through and providing us with many
things. Even though everything might seem bleak sometimes,
how we ocassionally still see the forlorn shadows cast upon our
lives by the past and how we often don't appreciate our exsistence,
God loves us and is watching over us. And The Secret or not,
I believe that there's a charge over us; the way we were brought
together to go through shit, had some hard times and be earthly
supports for each other the past few years.

You know, I think. I was born to be a drummer.

chill-

[BMWJY - 12:16 AM ]

0 comments

Friday, May 21

It was draining. I'm tired. But I won't waver.

chill-

[BMWJY - 12:55 AM ]

0 comments

Thursday, May 20

I'm getting all stressed out about band practice tomorrow. =(
Playing the drums is a joyous thing, and I'm pretty sure this
pressure will help me improve. But gosh, I am quite bothered
and not too confident in getting things right. I do not want to
take the whole band through a difficult rehearsal. Grumble.
Lord, please take my hands tomorrow. I'll do okay if not great.

chill-

[BMWJY - 2:02 AM ]

1 comments

Friday, May 14

The greatest challenge I might tackle now, is learning to love myself.
I guess I've been pretty horrid in many ways; always without any good
to love. Just filth and disregard, I feel wrong all over and inside. This
is so difficult.

chill-

[BMWJY - 1:22 AM ]

1 comments

Monday, May 10

"...I saw him hitting himself, making red welts across his arms.
On one occassion he slammed his head against the wall repeatedly,
scratched his forearms until wounds formed, skin peeled and
bled. He even used a little fruit knife to slash himself on his
arms and legs, then smeared the blood over his bare and sore
skin. This boy was an 8 year old victim of physical and emotional
child abuse. Made from pent up pain, he had no respect for his body."

I couldn't respond to this information because I was so detached, yet alive.

chill-

[BMWJY - 10:33 PM ]

0 comments

I am frustrated and pretty tempted to draw a little bloody line.

chill-

[BMWJY - 2:06 AM ]

0 comments

Sunday, May 9

I was out for a night ride to drop by Kelin's place to pass on
peace offerings and a bit of love for her birthday. It was nice
to finally see her and catch up after a long while.

Instead of heading AYE for home, I went for a long ride, wind

in my ears, blowing through my face and hitting on my body. I
got faster as I set my thoughts free while I assured myself that
I had moved from the heart wrenching chapter. From now,
regardless of the raised scars that will constantly be on my left,
I am detached from the past to form memories I accept as living.

I found myself at Eu Tong Sen street, close to the familiar and
recent past I embrace with gladness. There came the desire to
ride past the roads and see the people I hate to admit, have
become so much of a constant, that I miss. I don't miss people
often. I went by the parking space and looked above the red
wall into the kitchen, thinking to catch a glimpse of what I was
accustomed to.

I am watching LA Ink. I want to get inked to be persistently reminded

that God is love, greater than love in all other forms.

chill-

[BMWJY - 1:20 AM ]

0 comments

Saturday, May 8

"Does it matter to you who I fucking kiss?"

"I don't give a fuck who you fucking fuck.
Just tell me who you fucking love, you bastard!!!"


He curled in a corner while she rained punches at him,
but it wasn't because he was defenseless.

She spat at him and left, "fucking coward."

He whimpered, "you're fucking right."

chill-

[BMWJY - 11:45 AM ]

0 comments

Friday, May 7

I Am Proud To Be Chinese

Though it gets painfully tiring, I suppose it's fine to slip up sometimes.
Just as I was thinking to call on her, I recieve news that they're planning
a celebration and I feel apprehensive to reciprocate. Some things are
more beautiful when admired from afar.

I feel like picking a fight!

chill-

[BMWJY - 10:15 PM ]

0 comments

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 (NLT)

"Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God?
Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or
commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves,
or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these
will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were
cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the
name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

chill-

[BMWJY - 1:38 AM ]

0 comments

Wednesday, May 5

I told bry that it's easier to have feelings for a boy than a girl.
I guess it's more than just being accepted, but accepting yourself,
and sometimes I wonder how emotions like these surface anyway. Bry's
right about not being able to control these feelings. But I believe
that I have the ability to decide if I should act upon them or not.
I give in all the time because I'm terrible; I might even admit that
I am comfortable being gay and having homosexual acquaintances for company.
I'm fucking my brain up, I even googled "can gay people turn straight?"
Haha, shoot me.

chill-

[BMWJY - 11:50 PM ]

0 comments

Tuesday, May 4

The Lord provides, so extensively and with exceeding grace.
I have experienced this goodness. Yet I am still apart because of
a sexuality issue that I habour, which was the precise concern that
built a screen between us from the beginning. Who am I to judge
my misgivings knowing that the true judge stands in omnipresent
power before myself, gushing with love and grace and words, words.

Words that I can't accept. My faith is such an irony;
my heart feels unfit for prayer, my words too small to speak.

chill-

[BMWJY - 4:14 PM ]

0 comments

These marks

tell me that I deserve to hurt.
are not going away.
remind me of stories.
tell me I can't be forgiven.
break me down again.

Sigh.

chill-

[BMWJY - 12:55 AM ]

0 comments

Sunday, May 2

The thought of making a success story occur with it's beginning this difficult,
is making me afraid. It's nothing unethical, because all I have to do is meet new
people and be with them like they are more than acquaintances. After all, we're
all just using each other to attain our goals, isn't that the reality of such an industry?
I am afraid however, because my nature is pretty incapable of behaving this way.
I will definitely miss full time work at The Barnyard. Work there gave me opportunities
to rediscover myself and be in touch with friendship again. I enjoyed my time there
and am reluctant to put it down. Yet life holds more in the future that I look forward
to as well. No doubt, I frequently think about the way I wrecked myself and messed
the lives of others occasionally, and how it was to love and be loved romantically.
I have a commitment now to re prioritize my ideas and rethink my feelings for girls.
Eleven years which I hope would stop counting, I have been confused and at some
point convinced to accept myself. Though I have made changes in the way I self inflict,
indulge in drinks and smoke. Sigh. I still need a lot of prayer and a lot of God. I might be
struggling but

I'll be all right.

chill-

[BMWJY - 9:37 PM ]

5 comments

Saturday, April 17

I guess I have made myself goals today, which I seek to achieve in the days
and years to come. The want for success engulfs me, however I am not in any
particular rush to attain them, just yet. Nevertheless, I'm moving on from places
quickly, I watch interesting events and meet people whom I feel I could love
as friends that I might look back to for pleasant moments. Then again my definition
of a friend is rather vague that occasionally the world's method of defining friendship
affects me to a conforming. Sometimes I don't know what to hold and what to release.
All I want now, is to make life possible for myself, my family and others who are important.
I think I am molting.

chill-

[BMWJY - 3:09 PM ]

0 comments

Sunday, April 11

WOOHOO!

chill-

[BMWJY - 10:08 PM ]

0 comments

Monday, April 5

I lost my words one day, and found them at the back of my head.
I have learnt not to be doubtful about myself despite my worries.
Many people don't know the secret that I know. Some know the
secret I have but fail to understand it's power or apply it rightly.
Here, is a world of pain.

chill-

[BMWJY - 1:05 PM ]

0 comments

Thursday, April 1

Raw And Thoughtful

Regret is pretty much the worst feelings to ever have in place,
regardless of situation or persons involved. I figured that
although I feel upset, I don't regret getting to know you,
breaking through your barriers and ever loving you so
deeply. It's not an easy feat to accept my flaws or love
someone as unlovable as I. I admit that I display a temperament
of an artist, thoughts that many will not comprehend.
I believe you've had issues with my line of opinion countless
times, yet were accepting. You were beautiful the manner you
lived despite occasional upsets which were constructed by the
way I was egoistic, I apologize. But time milds emotions
greatly and priorities shift like the earth shakes. I learnt that
the pleasant experiences we shared, and joyous moments
between us didn't poccess the strength to overwrite the degree
to which you wished you had never met me. It hurt then, and
it still does sometimes. However, I know promises made don't hold detailed
significance at present as compared to then, or perhaps no importance
at all. I did believe in the 2 years and that we'd remain special. I am fine now.
You hope for me to move on, I hope you enjoyed the way we were close
and you'd be free from guilt; most substantially, not regret loving me.
Life'd say I shouldn't give a fuck about what you feel, but it matters inside;
the fact that I blundered once doesn't mean I'm resilient, just sensitive
to the way our lives carry on and how we won't just disappear.

chill-

[BMWJY - 6:11 PM ]

0 comments

Monday, March 29

There are three things that I want really badly right now,
that I think of daily, and occasionally allow them to haunt
me in my sleep. I am afraid though, that I won't be able to
take it well if I fail because this means so much to me.

Yesterday, I watched 3 persons in wheelchairs at the bowling
alley. They were bowling and extremely happy, talking and
laughing and being oblivious to the pain in their environment.

What is it that that gives them the joy which I hunger for?
It's an agonizing issue to have to think so hard yet not be
equipped with the ability to control the outcomes. Yet again
I know that much is within my power for this emotional game,
because I've found some peace of mind. I'll learn to keep
this volume of peace, perhaps even expand on it even if
I have to die, even if I won't live too long.

chill-

[BMWJY - 12:22 PM ]

0 comments

Wednesday, March 24

I am starting to feel a mild disgust which I cannot identify why.
Maybe I'm a little sorry. :/

chill-

[BMWJY - 11:59 AM ]

0 comments

Thursday, March 18

We will ROCK THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chill-

[BMWJY - 2:22 AM ]

0 comments

We will rock the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BMWJY - 1:38 AM ]

0 comments













[best viewed in Microsoft Internet Explorer
Unicode (UTF-8)]


Eat Green, Eat Grass!

4teen Plus Two
Guitars And Sticks
Decks and Broken Knees
Grass is Good for Eyes
Grass is Green and Nice!

MIC Blog
MIC Blog

CLASS Shop
MIC Blog



colleen | gracia | juian | melise | mojo | tai | weihan |

(c)iloveamathdotcom
all pictures and content should not be duplicated unless with permission. action will be taken if copyright is disregarded.

contact: idontlikeboys@gmail.com

Google