EAT GREEN, EAT GRASS!

2010-10-02T01:24:00.002+08:00

This is frustrating.
There's too much going on and I'm overwhelmed.
At times, I think bad thoughts.

chill-

2010-08-11T23:59:00.002+08:00

I am the maker of my success.

But I am still contemplating if I should seek treatment. Sigh.

chill-

2010-07-28T00:56:00.001+08:00

Think peaceful thoughts,
sing sappy love songs and
dance children dances.

chill-

2010-07-20T00:56:00.000+08:00

So, I'm 20 now.
Soon I'll be 21. Then, I'll be a training pastry chef
eager for success. Hopefully a little stronger.
The day was silent and fine. I went about a normal routine
and pretty much forgot that it was a day to commemorate
until I recieved some well wishes from people I
least expected. Cool.

chill-

2010-07-05T22:05:00.002+08:00

Time for a long anticipated hiatus in a world that is defiant of us all.
Yet again, I'm relooking the things and company I have.
I hate trying to be sociable. I hate pretending to be corporate.
But I want to be successful.

I'll not heed a conforming, but I must brace myself for this period.

I'm still going to be a top pastry chef. I'll also be vegan.
I'll be a vegan pastry chef.
Fuck off, guilt. Fuck off, all of you.

chill-

2010-07-01T01:08:00.002+08:00

I have ultimates.
But sometimes, I like to be short sighted for a bit to appreciate the
little things of the moment a little better.

I'll be the best bunny you'll ever play with!!!

chill-

2010-06-13T02:28:00.003+08:00

Like the climate you'll never know what weather you get
No denying you're the habit that I can't quit
It's only a matter of time

I need the product of your fears in the form of tears
It's the only way I can survive
It breaks my heart to see you crying baby
It's the only way I'll stay alive

chill-

Hey Beautiful. And I Covered Her Eyes To Lean In.

2010-06-05T20:46:00.005+08:00

Today, I threw away pieces of memories dating back to when
I hated the world and killed my sanity. These physical things
shouldn't matter anymore, yet I was a little hesitant to
dispose them. I eventually did, and smiled at the thought
of how I had my first real kiss. Hahaha.

chill-

2010-06-05T00:58:00.004+08:00

It seems like the only thing that's been on my mind recently
is succeeding in anything, everything that I set and commit
myself too. I so badly want to meet success quickly now that I
have begun trying.

I am blessed.
I've the bestest friend anyone could ever have, and we have
big dreams. I couldn't ask for more.

I have turned a little more positive and enduring.
That after a good decade since I became depressed as a child,
I think I'm finally happy. I forgive you for creating a strong
hold over me, scaring me silent and ruining my childhood. I
think, I want to heal this pain.

Wet, I hope you will let your past go too.
You're the best person I have. We had rough times,
but nothing can ever separate us.
If you're looking for love, God loves us. =)

chill-

2010-06-03T00:58:00.001+08:00

It's amazing. God is good. O:

All the way Bry, we're going to succeed. I know we will. =)

chill-

2010-06-02T02:36:00.002+08:00

Coming close to this little step to success.
And we ain't giving up just yet though we're left
with a day.

It's pretty exciting to be working for something
so fervently after a long time of going through
the motion. Isn't it? :D

chill-

2010-05-27T23:52:00.002+08:00

I will succeed, through obstacles.
With Christ, what more can I ask?
What more, can we ask?

chill-

Broken Hearts Revivng Starts, Forgotten Dreams Of Old Fifteen

2010-05-26T10:51:00.004+08:00

I certainly enjoy having my thoughts in prose and verse which I can
put into song with melody. However recently, cryptic doesn't satisfy
anymore. At least not too often as like in the past, perhaps too many
people around me are adopting a mysterious wording habit that I cannot
help but see a different opinion with the way I used to write. Haha. I
guess it was young, fun, and full of emotion which I needed to take out
then.

I've got to get down to writing a proper song for us so Bry doesn't keep
singing the only song I have and like.

Now, I am picking out fragments of hope I used to habour while I was
young and great and very much fucked up. I'm still sorting things
out at current, trying to differntiate the immature and more sensible
thoughts that should remain. Looking back, I'm pretty glad that I
was fortunate enough not to have had major contact with the cops,
given that I was breaking the law in various little ways, some which
could've gotten me charged and into more trouble than I would've
expected then. God bless me. :/

That aside, I'm starting to piece together aspirations that discourage
me because of their distance. Must not be moved. >:(

I want to tell stories to children; I miss being a hero:
"Teacher Beat! Teacher Beat! Carry me, tell us story!"

Haha.

chill-

2010-05-24T00:16:00.002+08:00

I got to use uncle Ian's snare today, and it was great.
This morning's worship was a blast. I had such a wonderful
time. I enjoyed myself very much in worship and played
my tiny heart out while God did the rest. It was awesome.
Amen.

We might've opened new doors to a whole new musical
journey tonight. We'll definitely be progressing in our skills,
and probably venturing into new posibilities with Ben. And
it's cool that all our names start with a 'B'. Praise God for
new opportunities, regardless of music or earning money.

Bry, God's seeing us through and providing us with many
things. Even though everything might seem bleak sometimes,
how we ocassionally still see the forlorn shadows cast upon our
lives by the past and how we often don't appreciate our exsistence,
God loves us and is watching over us. And The Secret or not,
I believe that there's a charge over us; the way we were brought
together to go through shit, had some hard times and be earthly
supports for each other the past few years.

You know, I think. I was born to be a drummer.

chill-

2010-05-21T00:55:00.000+08:00

It was draining. I'm tired. But I won't waver.

chill-

2010-05-20T02:02:00.002+08:00

I'm getting all stressed out about band practice tomorrow. =(
Playing the drums is a joyous thing, and I'm pretty sure this
pressure will help me improve. But gosh, I am quite bothered
and not too confident in getting things right. I do not want to
take the whole band through a difficult rehearsal. Grumble.
Lord, please take my hands tomorrow. I'll do okay if not great.

chill-

2010-05-14T01:22:00.003+08:00

The greatest challenge I might tackle now, is learning to love myself.
I guess I've been pretty horrid in many ways; always without any good
to love. Just filth and disregard, I feel wrong all over and inside. This
is so difficult.

chill-

2010-05-10T22:33:00.002+08:00

"...I saw him hitting himself, making red welts across his arms.
On one occassion he slammed his head against the wall repeatedly,
scratched his forearms until wounds formed, skin peeled and
bled. He even used a little fruit knife to slash himself on his
arms and legs, then smeared the blood over his bare and sore
skin. This boy was an 8 year old victim of physical and emotional
child abuse. Made from pent up pain, he had no respect for his body."

I couldn't respond to this information because I was so detached, yet alive.

chill-

2010-05-10T02:06:00.002+08:00

I am frustrated and pretty tempted to draw a little bloody line.

chill-

2010-05-09T01:20:00.002+08:00

I was out for a night ride to drop by Kelin's place to pass on
peace offerings and a bit of love for her birthday. It was nice
to finally see her and catch up after a long while.

Instead of heading AYE for home, I went for a long ride, wind
in my ears, blowing through my face and hitting on my body. I
got faster as I set my thoughts free while I assured myself that
I had moved from the heart wrenching chapter. From now,
regardless of the raised scars that will constantly be on my left,
I am detached from the past to form memories I accept as living.

I found myself at Eu Tong Sen street, close to the familiar and
recent past I embrace with gladness. There came the desire to
ride past the roads and see the people I hate to admit, have
become so much of a constant, that I miss. I don't miss people
often. I went by the parking space and looked above the red
wall into the kitchen, thinking to catch a glimpse of what I was
accustomed to.

I am watching LA Ink. I want to get inked to be persistently reminded
that God is love, greater than love in all other forms.

chill-

2010-05-08T11:45:00.005+08:00

"Does it matter to you who I fucking kiss?"

"I don't give a fuck who you fucking fuck.
Just tell me who you fucking love, you bastard!!!"

He curled in a corner while she rained punches at him,
but it wasn't because he was defenseless.

She spat at him and left, "fucking coward."

He whimpered, "you're fucking right."

chill-

I Am Proud To Be Chinese

2010-05-07T22:15:00.003+08:00

Though it gets painfully tiring, I suppose it's fine to slip up sometimes.
Just as I was thinking to call on her, I recieve news that they're planning
a celebration and I feel apprehensive to reciprocate. Some things are
more beautiful when admired from afar.

I feel like picking a fight!

chill-

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 (NLT)

2010-05-07T01:38:00.001+08:00

"Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God?
Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or
commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves,
or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these
will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were
cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the
name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

chill-

2010-05-05T23:50:00.003+08:00

I told bry that it's easier to have feelings for a boy than a girl.
I guess it's more than just being accepted, but accepting yourself,
and sometimes I wonder how emotions like these surface anyway. Bry's
right about not being able to control these feelings. But I believe
that I have the ability to decide if I should act upon them or not.
I give in all the time because I'm terrible; I might even admit that
I am comfortable being gay and having homosexual acquaintances for company.
I'm fucking my brain up, I even googled "can gay people turn straight?"
Haha, shoot me.

chill-

2010-05-04T16:14:00.002+08:00

The Lord provides, so extensively and with exceeding grace.
I have experienced this goodness. Yet I am still apart because of
a sexuality issue that I habour, which was the precise concern that
built a screen between us from the beginning. Who am I to judge
my misgivings knowing that the true judge stands in omnipresent
power before myself, gushing with love and grace and words, words.

Words that I can't accept. My faith is such an irony;
my heart feels unfit for prayer, my words too small to speak.

chill-

These marks

2010-05-04T00:55:00.003+08:00

tell me that I deserve to hurt.
are not going away.
remind me of stories.
tell me I can't be forgiven.
break me down again.

Sigh.

chill-

2010-05-02T21:37:00.004+08:00

The thought of making a success story occur with it's beginning this difficult,
is making me afraid. It's nothing unethical, because all I have to do is meet new
people and be with them like they are more than acquaintances. After all, we're
all just using each other to attain our goals, isn't that the reality of such an industry?
I am afraid however, because my nature is pretty incapable of behaving this way.
I will definitely miss full time work at The Barnyard. Work there gave me opportunities
to rediscover myself and be in touch with friendship again. I enjoyed my time there
and am reluctant to put it down. Yet life holds more in the future that I look forward
to as well. No doubt, I frequently think about the way I wrecked myself and messed
the lives of others occasionally, and how it was to love and be loved romantically.
I have a commitment now to re prioritize my ideas and rethink my feelings for girls.
Eleven years which I hope would stop counting, I have been confused and at some
point convinced to accept myself. Though I have made changes in the way I self inflict,
indulge in drinks and smoke. Sigh. I still need a lot of prayer and a lot of God. I might be
struggling but

I'll be all right.

chill-

2010-04-17T15:09:00.003+08:00

I guess I have made myself goals today, which I seek to achieve in the days
and years to come. The want for success engulfs me, however I am not in any
particular rush to attain them, just yet. Nevertheless, I'm moving on from places
quickly, I watch interesting events and meet people whom I feel I could love
as friends that I might look back to for pleasant moments. Then again my definition
of a friend is rather vague that occasionally the world's method of defining friendship
affects me to a conforming. Sometimes I don't know what to hold and what to release.
All I want now, is to make life possible for myself, my family and others who are important.
I think I am molting.

chill-

2010-04-11T22:08:00.001+08:00

WOOHOO!

chill-

2010-04-05T13:05:00.002+08:00

I lost my words one day, and found them at the back of my head.
I have learnt not to be doubtful about myself despite my worries.
Many people don't know the secret that I know. Some know the
secret I have but fail to understand it's power or apply it rightly.
Here, is a world of pain.

chill-

Raw And Thoughtful

2010-04-01T18:11:00.003+08:00

Regret is pretty much the worst feelings to ever have in place,
regardless of situation or persons involved. I figured that
although I feel upset, I don't regret getting to know you,
breaking through your barriers and ever loving you so
deeply. It's not an easy feat to accept my flaws or love
someone as unlovable as I. I admit that I display a temperament
of an artist, thoughts that many will not comprehend.
I believe you've had issues with my line of opinion countless
times, yet were accepting. You were beautiful the manner you
lived despite occasional upsets which were constructed by the
way I was egoistic, I apologize. But time milds emotions
greatly and priorities shift like the earth shakes. I learnt that
the pleasant experiences we shared, and joyous moments
between us didn't poccess the strength to overwrite the degree
to which you wished you had never met me. It hurt then, and
it still does sometimes. However, I know promises made don't hold detailed
significance at present as compared to then, or perhaps no importance
at all. I did believe in the 2 years and that we'd remain special. I am fine now.
You hope for me to move on, I hope you enjoyed the way we were close
and you'd be free from guilt; most substantially, not regret loving me.
Life'd say I shouldn't give a fuck about what you feel, but it matters inside;
the fact that I blundered once doesn't mean I'm resilient, just sensitive
to the way our lives carry on and how we won't just disappear.

chill-

2010-03-29T12:22:00.003+08:00

There are three things that I want really badly right now,
that I think of daily, and occasionally allow them to haunt
me in my sleep. I am afraid though, that I won't be able to
take it well if I fail because this means so much to me.

Yesterday, I watched 3 persons in wheelchairs at the bowling
alley. They were bowling and extremely happy, talking and
laughing and being oblivious to the pain in their environment.

What is it that that gives them the joy which I hunger for?
It's an agonizing issue to have to think so hard yet not be
equipped with the ability to control the outcomes. Yet again
I know that much is within my power for this emotional game,
because I've found some peace of mind. I'll learn to keep
this volume of peace, perhaps even expand on it even if
I have to die, even if I won't live too long.

chill-

2010-03-24T11:59:00.002+08:00

I am starting to feel a mild disgust which I cannot identify why.
Maybe I'm a little sorry. :/

chill-

2010-03-18T02:22:00.001+08:00

We will ROCK THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chill-

2010-03-18T01:38:00.000+08:00

We will rock the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-10T01:18:00.000+08:00

I feel a little better today, trying to keep life away.

chill-

2010-03-09T11:44:00.002+08:00

I just lost what mattered to me most,
but I will keep my faith regardless of
the void from when what defined me
was ripped out in one swift motion,
I'm so easy to break.

chill-

2010-03-08T21:44:00.001+08:00

I think I'm going to be miserable for quite a long time.
Don't ask, just know that I'll be pretty touchy for a while.

chill-

Dear Gummy,

2010-03-08T09:15:00.002+08:00

I understand where they're coming from.
I know their concerns. But I can't help feeling
devastated and broken. I can't describe the
degree to this sadness. I feel miserable. Don't
worry if you can't do anythig, cause there's
nothing I can do either. Can I disappear?

Sticky

2010-03-05T00:39:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I wish I could speak to you.

All the time, I wish to be on that stage.

chill-

2010-03-03T00:51:00.002+08:00

How long does it take for a knife to rust?
I represent mistakes, and the metal in the box;
I am not oblivious to your flaws anymore.

chill-

I Got My Confidence Busted

2010-03-02T11:05:00.009+08:00

I'll fuck off, and fucking leave you alone.
How could you be so heartless?
Though I know you wouldn't, I wish you'd say it to me instead.

chill-

I'll Be Okay - Bandaid

2010-02-23T11:42:00.004+08:00

Just a little broken, but still lauging at the frowns.
It's not all over cause I'm climbing up from down.
I'm thankful you let me be free from your despair
and I'm sorry I never knew you're done with what we share.
It's okay, everything's okay.
While you're changing I'll make my way to somewhere faraway.
It's okay, everything's okay.
I have it in control tonight, power from desperation.
I'll be okay.

chill-

2010-02-23T00:59:00.002+08:00

He opened 4 gashes and gave in to desperation,
to shiver and cry flow but not die.
"Just to keep alive" he said.

chill-

Pretend - Secondhand Serenade

2010-02-23T00:35:00.002+08:00

It seems all of these words couldn't be further from the truth
How did I get here? What did I do?

Your eyes, telling me lies
And making me find myself
While you have your agenda, a life to pursue

So please,
Let me be free from you.
And please, let me be free
I can face the truth.

I'm blind to all of your colors
That used to be rainbow then
My eyes, where did they go to?
Why disappear?

It's hard to be all alone
I never got through your disguise
I guess I'll just go, and face all my fear

So please,
Let me be free from you
And please, let me be free
I can face the truth.

Put down your world
Just for one night
Pick me again

So please,
Let me be free from you
And please, let me be free
I can face the truth

chill-

If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask - Mayday Parade

2010-02-22T01:38:00.003+08:00

And you dropped the note and we changed key
You changed yourself and i changed me
I really didn't see us singing through this
Then you screamed the bridge
And i cried the verse
And our chorus came out unrehearsed
And you smiled the whole way through it
I guess maybe that's what's worse
And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts

chill-

2010-02-18T03:03:00.002+08:00

I was damn wrong to think that I'd be sorry for breaking your heart.
Baby, I want to feel sorry.

chill-

2010-02-17T01:29:00.002+08:00

I'm dying to have some fun, I hate to admit that I am so wrecked.
At moments like this, I wish I dared to be fearless and reckless.
Would you want to watch me die?

chill-

Well Time Came By

2010-02-14T01:20:00.002+08:00

and took the love away
but that's okay, darling that's okay.

chill-

You Colour My Life

2010-02-13T02:17:00.003+08:00

He made crayon scribbles on a blank canvas
and clasped his hands together to say a prayer.

chill-

You Like Peanuts, I Like You

2010-02-10T00:33:00.004+08:00

I'd still love you even if you board a plane to leave,
even if you don't come back, even if you pushed me away one day.
You'll always be the peanut in peanut butter, and I'll be your toast.
We don't need any jelly because I love you the most!

chill-

2010-02-09T01:25:00.002+08:00

No one understands.
And you won't too when you push me away one day.

Why love, why?

chill-

2010-02-06T23:13:00.002+08:00

He gets to his knees in desperation and silently
pleads to be delivered because words and melodies
evoke disturbing feelings that arrive from memories
in him at where he pounds forcefully to live.

I believe that he'll lose control, yet I am ignorant to
how I may prevent this anticipating catastrophe.

chill-

People Cry When They're Sad

2010-02-06T01:25:00.003+08:00

He asked me why he had to go through all this.
So I told him that it's life, and life was hard. I
guess I didn't know what to say besides asking
him to think of the happy things... I shrugged
in my head and realised how stupid I sounded,
how simple I made emotion and relationships
sound.

On a side note, thank you Ilena and Kenny.
For everything. For the little that you have
and the plenty that you have given me. Sigh.

chill-

Untill The Pain Flows Dry

2010-02-04T22:43:00.002+08:00

D'lon grabbed me violently by the shoulders and pushed me to the ground.
I crashed, and lay upon the cold marble floor in physical agony, but my
expression was cold and glass stiff. I shook uncontrollably, bled from the
eyes where the pain escapes.

I whimpered, "Stop. M..make it stop..."
My voice trailed off to reveal the omnipresent silence that saw through me,
that wouldn't let me stop.

chill-

I Surprise Myself!

2010-02-04T00:03:00.002+08:00

When I'm feeling low I get a little out of control
and I make mistakes only you and I know.
But now I'm not telling, because you're leaving
and you're never coming back to heal me.

chill-

A Perfect Sonnet - Bright Eyes

2010-02-03T01:33:00.000+08:00

but once you knew a girl and you named her lover
danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
autumn came, she disappeared
you can't remember where she said she was going to

chill-

He Swallowed A Ball Of Emotion Because It Hurt.

2010-02-01T00:42:00.006+08:00

It gets too much and I don't know what to do.
So I have to cut to let it out, then everything gets better.

chill-

Time - Cute Is What We Aim For

2010-02-01T00:34:00.002+08:00

You're tainted, I'm shaking
I hope you turn around in time
Tide's changing, I'm waiting
You and I are one of a kind
You're changing

chill-

2010-01-29T23:26:00.003+08:00

Plenty of things come like a rushing wind, and he is reminded
of events and feelings which he grits his teeth at. Occasionally, he
wonders why or how anybody could be so cruel to a child. How
is it possible to be so nonchalant? He thus learnt about punishment
and is very in tune to how punishment is necessary. I guess he has
his ways. He probably knows better about what to do when he is sorry,
when you are angry and nobody likes him.

chill-

2010-01-27T11:10:00.003+08:00

Hi Dick,

How have you been? Have you been a good dick?
Few people come here anymore because things are
different now. People in polytechnic are grown
up people as we are now unlike how we were little
when we first met, making joy. I like what I have
here though it's tough at times. I fell into major
damage back in secondary school and got really
screwed so I'm trying to be an adult this round.
It's awesome to feel strong. It is wonderful you
dropped by! And because you're ever changing, I
can't find you anywhere, already. :p I miss being
ignorant, because we were great.

Love,
Daddy.

2010-01-24T20:01:00.001+08:00

Age is irrelevant, but we must put time into time.

chill-

Would You Be In It?

2010-01-22T19:32:00.003+08:00

Just like you and everyone else, I possess many thoughts.
Some of these thoughts are difficult to desipher, and I often
wonder where from, they are derived. You are seldom at
the back of my mind, and it is not astonishing that I feel so
emotionally estranged from gladness that attempts to engulf
my ignorance. I am angry, do you know that my heart fails?
There are about 2 weeks to the new book I will scrawl in...

chill-

I Pen Your Name In Ink and Carve Your Shorthand In A Scar

2010-01-21T00:32:00.002+08:00

Hey I saw you from afar
and I need to let you know
This is too intense for me
because you're beautiful.

chill-

Today, I Will Ignore My Strife.

2010-01-19T01:27:00.004+08:00

Amanda, please remind me again why I love you so.
You're fucking getting married!!! :O

chill-

2010-01-17T18:58:00.002+08:00

It's about what is important at the present and staying convinced.
It's when you have trouble keeping a straight face, and pretending
to be completely nonchalent despite your defences crumbling into
hopeless rubble; like the walls of Jerico that were firm, yet pathetic
when faced with marching believers and a miracle. That is the extent
to which I am affected because I am oblivious to intentions that seem
irrational amidst my emotional state. The distance creates a tension
between my ideals and the alter ego, who wishes you would exhibit a
sign to prove that you're not the same. Not the same as everyone else -
as he believed, as I believed.

chill-

2010-01-16T23:53:00.000+08:00

I must not be moved.

chill-

2010-01-16T00:25:00.002+08:00

I need to feel determined and stop moping about
everything that is over. I need some help though.

chill-

2010-01-14T23:16:00.003+08:00

D'lon says it's okay to feel horrid and he didn't stop me
when I asked for a minute to myself. He merely whispered,
"sparringly." I mummered, "okay". When I got to the 2nd
sigh, I turned to ask if he would join me. D'lon said yes. At
that moment, I heard an inviting laughter from years ago
and a scream resounding of resistance and fear. But who
will stop us? D'lon says he's sorry for giving in. I told him
to leave that till later.

chill-

2010-01-13T00:16:00.003+08:00

I am so grateful and amazed by the miracles that occur in your power.
I believe, please take it from here.
I can't keep breaking down like the robot in the poster, it's robbing me
of everything humane.

chill-

2010-01-11T01:15:00.002+08:00

He feels like a razor could go over the thin lines beneath his skin.

chill-

2010-01-09T23:59:00.001+08:00

We're full of sadness and terrible thoughts.
Thanks for your support.

chill-

2010-01-09T01:43:00.003+08:00

I have always heard stories of passing phases,
and I wonder when I'd pass. I'm sick of feeling so
guilty.

chill-

2010-01-08T02:47:00.003+08:00

Rawness crawls from my belly to my throat and overwhelms my head with
a lightness that induces a smile. That, knew of the suffering I'd embrace. He
interrupted this pleasure and ask me to, on a scale of 1-10, rate the pain.
I said, 9.5, and 10 when I'm alone. Then he demanded to know when I hurt
the most. I smiled and whispered about when the sun sets, the sky is dim
and much of the environment is dark. Be more specific, he then probed. So
I responded revealing that I hurt the most when I close my eyes. I shut my
eyes and shivered in agony, my eyelids spasmed as tears streamed down
underneath, along my cheekbones which seemed to adjust on it's own as
if controlling the way the tears flowed. My face cringed before my eye lids
parted to expose blood shot whites; tears still evident and filling spontaneously.
"You see what I mean? It hurts here the worst", I declared, and put my left
index to my chest, where my heart I presumed, was. He muttered about
issues that don't matter to me, like nothing else quite did. And I was enlightened;
it's no wonder I can't sleep at night.

chill-

I Pray, This Person Be Helped

2010-01-06T00:25:00.004+08:00

"Please help me get through this because it means so much to me.
I want this so bad. If I get past this, I will stop self mutiliating,
smoking, drinking and sleeping with girls. Amen."

chill-

2010-01-05T01:49:00.002+08:00

Your presence turns me around.
Your name breaks me down.
Your voice keeps me silent
so I can hear your sound
and take in every frequency
that comes through dangerously.

Rudely awaken from much a subtle sleep;
you're like a dream to me.

chill-

2010-01-04T01:28:00.002+08:00

If it is the truth Kenny, I will be so devastated
and broken. I wouldn't know what to do because, I
survived on those words.

I have to think hard and stop identifying feelings.

chill-

2010-01-03T02:00:00.002+08:00

15 gashes crimson flood. While I wondered how he managed,
I realised that his courage was derived from a cardiac fracture;
and also that he could not see behind the blury failed facade.
I'll pretend it never happened, just so we can speak again.

chill-

2010-01-02T12:48:00.002+08:00

I said:
Will people stop killing animals for food
if I go on a hunger strike?

She said:
No.

I thought:
That's how significant I am.
I am mixed about myself, and the way I think.

I want to share about my unhappiness, and feel less
guilty about the way I cope. I feel like putting my
knuckles through the eye sockets of the yakult aunty
that rings the bell when I am engrossed with mind
activity. I am distasteful about how badly I wish to
be physically near you despite the way I hurt. Then
why do I simultaneously want to be in solitude?
It angers me, yet it gives me a sort of peace that I
am afraid to act upon. While my knees are bruising
and skin tearing, I wonder where tears come from.
They must be a collection of misery in thin bags of
strength that erupt when pressure instigates. Mm.
And when the tears seem to cease, it's only because
misery is too fatigued to travel from your heart to
your eyes.

chill-

2010-01-01T21:43:00.002+08:00

I have trouble controlling myself.
I have no trouble bleeding.

chill-

This Is As New As The Old Can Get, So Light Me A Smoke.

2010-01-01T02:09:00.004+08:00

I had the strangest night two nights ago at cedar
with the people I had grown to love the most although
we meet so rarely. And I learnt that we have progressed.
It was a good night, I wish it could've went on. I
was happy, and it's been a long time since I felt
deluded by an emotion. But when the effects of the dark
wore off, I suffered from a spliting headache that
reminded me that I was in pain. I can go into a new
addiction to feel lighter, and less burdened. I might
have put my drive for achievement away. But how could I
leave those dreams by a simple release, and not flinch
to care at all? I feel awful.

chill-

MIC in 77th Street

2009-12-29T01:24:00.006+08:00

Hey kids.

Check MIC out in stores here in Singapore!

Alternatively.
Feel free to contact any of the MIC team if you're interested
in purchasing MIC shirts.
You can reach me at beat@mic-ware.com if not +65 97887902.

You may also visit our store at www.mic-ware.com.

chill-

2009-12-28T00:33:00.002+08:00

Would one know when he is dying?

He felt a force plunge into him from his temples to
his ribs. It was an enormous energy that surged through
him and rendered him unaware. Like an arm of a wrestler
the strength gripped and twisted him in his throat and
yanked the life out of him, literally.

If you would imagine, it is like a duplicate figure with less
colour and opacity having it's shape distorted from an
identified point at the throat, towards the source of power.

He thinks, he will die.

chill-

Just, Let Him Die

2009-12-27T01:01:00.003+08:00

It kind of eats into me and leaves me to ponder.
About the things that I want, all that I lost and
cannot re-own.

Bitterness engulfs him from the inside, and overflows
in his sobbing. It's not often that he is broken in
this manner and he feels a piercing humiliation in every
escaped tear drop.

I am still willing, to say yes, to be nice and give
more than required. While it has me a pleasant emotion,
I wonder how you feel.

Confusion emerges from the eye to eye contact. He is
comforted, but afraid; he looks away. It must be
possible to remain and be all right. It does not have
to be this painful.

But as he lost himself deep in memory and aggravated
thought, I put a bullet through his temple. To end the
tightness in his chest, physical hurt and unconditional
crying that proved the existance of medical depression.

Just, let him die.

chill-

2009-12-24T03:08:00.002+08:00

It keeps me up all night.
Sometimes I wonder if it's the supernatural sort of revenge that
takes place unwittingly. Oh pray, everything must have been a
coincidence.
I discard the need to address being suppressed, which I believe
is a defense. How could I?

chill-

I Had A Jellyfish In My Right Hand, And Stroked A Fish With The Other

2009-12-20T14:16:00.003+08:00

I dislike being in a pool.
But I went snorkling, got salty and got stung by jellyfish.

I like that.

chill-

2009-12-16T03:14:00.000+08:00

For when I return safely.

chill-

2009-12-15T02:45:00.003+08:00

It's strange that I wonder what you're doing when the
very thought, the very thought it makes me cry. I hold
your memory close, etched into my wrist into my soul.
And maybe one day I'll leave all this behind me. I'll
trace your footsteps in the places you took me, just
to recover the missing piece of this

h le.

chill-

He's No Ordinary God

2009-12-14T01:28:00.002+08:00

He's no ordinary love.

The happiest people are usually in love
and the saddest most of the time are lost,
looking for acceptance in places, many
still burried in old love that's ceased
to exist.
---

Here's part of a song Ccyanide did
while we were young, cruel and great:

and i wrote your name
a million times a million ways
and still the sound of it
its making me fuck up again
give me a reason
for us to say goodbye
im learning how to lose myself
its fun to believe your lies

-Ccyanide / bubble gum pop
(c)cyanide 06'

chill-

Until My Eyes Are Clear, Everytime I Think About You

2009-12-13T02:05:00.005+08:00

I'll pretend I am ready.

chill-

2009-12-12T01:42:00.002+08:00

A certain sort of torment that hides;
that steals through the eyes of the
beloved for fear of realisation that
he had an untold emotion.

chill-

2009-12-09T00:54:00.002+08:00

Dino got crushed
D'lon got hurt
Damn.

chill-

2009-12-08T02:40:00.002+08:00

You know you love someone, when you don't hate them
for breaking you down; even without a band around the
finger. Do you ever miss a scent?

chill-

2009-12-05T01:11:00.002+08:00

But everytime he talked about dying, he felt guity because
it appeared to be a subject everyone avoided to speak of.
They chided him and related their sadness, horror in their
voices. It's a wonder dying always made situations solemn.
He understood, but thought of dying as often as the pain in
his chest; aggravated by suppression. Could it be that he
had a prior knowing, which he desired to share? Why wouldn't
anyone hear him out?

Thank you mysterious person. Perhaps I know who you are.

And dying is as much fun as hurting can get; for the reason
that dying lacked satisfaction from making things right.

chill-

2009-12-04T01:12:00.004+08:00

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful.
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart.
When she was sad, I was there to dry her tears.
And when she was happy, so was I.
---

I was on shuffle this afternoon, when she loved me, everything
was beautiful. But my brothers and I are all right about not
giving a fuck to these affairs. Then again, maybe aside from the
cardiovascular exercises, push ups and chin ups, we do betray
how we speak. It is strange, therefore I'd like to push myself to
limits my physical cannot attain. Then bleed from the stress,
sweat from the veins that pump emotion which I lack at times.
But I am tired, and I cannot lift the weights that weigh on me.
Perhaps, it is a far away goal that keeps me alive. I spent an
entire afternoon alone at the gym, for lunch and sitting around
like I had company. It was therapeutic and it created opportunities
for me to realise that I am taking things to harshly; yet the events
that occur, situations that arise do not seem to understand my
downfall. Over and over, nothing appears to get better. While I
am not yet at the peak of this low, maybe the worst is approaching.

chill-

Mrs. Radio - Vampire For Hire

2009-12-03T01:20:00.001+08:00

I taste you on my tongue, you're like a dream to me.
I think you know how much, I feel your every frequency.

chill-

The Truth Shall Set You Free, Said He.

2009-12-02T01:05:00.002+08:00

Please let me by. This oblivion is tormenting. D;

chill-

2009-12-01T00:58:00.002+08:00

He wrote letters to you, but never posted them.
Do you notice he is gone, so far away?

chill-

2009-11-29T01:50:00.003+08:00

She yelled for me to think twice about being rash.
Yet I thought, I'd do anything to break this fall.

chill-

Hold Nothing Back - Copeland

2009-11-28T01:15:00.002+08:00

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking
Go where you want but I won't be too far
Go where you want and I know where you'll end up

If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you.

chill-